Its time to stand

This past week i caught up with an old boyfriend of mine.  Me and this guy have known each other for i believe 7 years. only really dated once for a month but we did that whole “talking” thing and he would find a “better” girl  and i would be history or he would come back and i would reject him pretty bad and once was at our junior prom. Not good! Anyways, when we talked this past week, he started telling me how beautiful i was and how much he missed me. Tons of  sweet stuff. My love language is words of affirmation so immediately i was sucked in to him. By the end of the week, i had our whole life planned! This was going to be great because i am ready to fall in love and want to just jump head first with no fear of the future (proverbs 31) ,and i’m sure hes changed and realized that i am the only one for him and he has eyes just for me!  Dont think i’m crazy because this is how girls are! WE see a guy and immediately our future with him is planned! Crazy i know but its us! so this guy preceeds to tell me he has a twitter. So like any normal person i check it out!  On there he is talking to all these beautiful girls and saying how much he misses them and is calling them baby. For a girl like me, i was devasted because here i had believed these words and thought this time was going to be different! It hit me. look how quickly i fell for him! I truly believe God is saving me from these wretched relationships because if a guy comes along and says certian things i am done!

I truly believe that we as women need to stand up to these punks and little boys and say you will not talk to me like that. I am daughter of the King.  I deserve respect. I am not just your feel good toy that you drag out when all the other girls are gone. Im not your trampoline!  We single ladies need to truly study Proverbs 31! See the woman God has in his word for us to be.

Next: Men

ITS TIME YOU STAND UP AND BE A MAN!  If you want to ask a girl out, ask her out. Don’t do it via text. Be a Godly man! See these girls as priceless jewels. They are royalty. Stop being men of this world and be Strong Sons of GOD!  THATS WHAT YOU ARE!  Don’t base your view of women based on what tv says we are or whatever!

ITS TIME TO STAND!

The Last stitch!

I haven’t dated many guys. in fact i can count them on one hand. one when i was in 9th grade and 10th grade, and a few guys in between there that i would “talk” to but never dated. There was the guy in 10th grade who i guess you could say was my first real and only boyfriend. I actually went with my whole heart in to that “relationship”. I was young and trusted quickly. I guess about a month into the relationship i found out that he was “cheating” on me. Now of course cheating back then was just talking to another girl  and asking her out! When i found out, i was devasted! I couldn’t believe that i had given my whole heart to this guy for him to rip it out a month later. So i made the promise, i would never give my heart away to a guy ever again! A little extreme, i know, but i was so hurt! So lets fast forward a few years!

Freshman year of college!!! WOW! It was something new and exciting! then this guy came along! I was so excited because he seemed really in love with God. Very cute! Funny! Everything that i am attracted to…but he had made this commitment to not date for a year! Bummer was my first thought, but it made me that much more intrigued by him! We start hangin out and talking via text,phone, and in person.  He seemed to really care about me. I noticed that he was hanging out with this other girl. She was beautiful. Funny, stylish, and skinny. That was something i wasn’t, i thought to myself i bet if i could look like her, then maybe just maybe he could be mine!  So i started skipping meals and very soon it became this obsession. Through all that, this guy kept telling me how beautiful i was and talked about the future together, picked flowers for me, called me babe, sat and talked with me on a swing looking at the stars, made comments about kissing me ( never did kiss). Slowly but surely i began to give my heart to him without even realizing it until it was too late. I was in too deep with him.  Being a girl, i had our whole life planned out. I knew that this was going to be the best thing in the world! He was going to complete me.  This all happened first semester.

Second Semester rolls around and i am soo excited to get back and see him!! Well i week before school i went to see that girl at the very beginning of my story, the one i desperately wanted to look like. She started talking about this guy and all the amazing things he told her. Guess what? they were word for word what he told me. I refused to believe it though! There was no way my fairytale was ending this way.  We get back to school and things just seem so strange , but i just keep denying it! One day me and this guy get in a fight because i wasn’t going somewhere and he says “we need to talk”. Before we did talk i wrote him this huge heart felt better because i wanted to make sure everything i needed to say was said before we talked. He calls me and ask to meet in the cafeteria during busiest time in there to talk.My heart is pounding as i am walking up there, and i feel like i can throw up but truly i felt like after he read my letter that he would realize i was the one he was meant to be with. I KNEW IT!  He takes me to this table sits and down and starts talking and says how he knows i have an eating disorder and that i have too many problems for him to deal with and that we would both be better off not being friends. then he asks me if i have anything to say. I couldn’t speak because he had become something i depended on when i needed anything. I just watched my world come crashing down within the span of 10 minutes. I have no idea how i made it back to my room before busting out into tears but i did. As soon as i stepped in there the tears fell and they didn’t stop. I had given him my heart and trusted. I became someone else with an eating disorder! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!! I cried out to God for healing. What i didn’t realize was God had stitched up my broken heart. Through when that happened until now(which is 2 years)  Slowly God was removing the stitches. this weekend at Searching for the Beauty within Seminar i did a drama about this whole situation. The very last part was about saying to God that no matter what happens…have Your way!  I truly feel like when i stepped on that stage just me for that drama…God was removing the last stitch. Finally i felt completely healed and can see why i went through that and how God was glorified!

Psalm 107 (The Message)
 ^1-3 Oh, thank God—he’s so good! His love never runs out.
   All of you set free by God, tell the world!
      Tell how he freed you from oppression,
   Then rounded you up from all over the place,
      from the four winds, from the seven seas.

Delight yourself

Here something about me: i can’t wait to fall in love and have this funky wedding and have babies!! Its a desire of mine to marry a man who is so in love with God its crazy!!! SO how many times have you discussed with someone the things you desire in your heart and they say well “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” right? Heard it before? I have plenty of times but i started reading that verse and i noticed something…theres more to that…

Psalm 37:4-5 (New Living Translation)

4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.

5 Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.

Verse 5 says something we never say with verse 4.

Commit everything you do to the Lord!

commit everything? what? That means that i have to commit my job, what God calls me to do, my love life (or lack there of), I have to commit EVERYTHING to GOD!!!! Trust him and he will help me.
I can say all day long…”Oh lord i delight in you GOd…now where is my desires…where is my husband,kids,good job. I delighted myself in you….now give me give me give me! No more! I have to commit whole heartedly!!!

God,
You amaze me! thank you so much for revealing this truth in my life that i have in the past just rejected it! God i commit EVERYTHING TO YOU RIGHT NOW!!! I give you my life. Every hurt, painful and joyous memory, dream, my past and my present! God it is yours!!
I love you!

No more Idols

My friend holly taught on Luke 4 tonight and it was amazing but there was a verse that she read that just slapped me in my face and here it is:
Ezekiel 36:25 (New Living Translation)

25 “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols.

There has been something in my life for a while now that i have refused to admit that it was my idol. MONEY! Back in January, i worked at a child developement center at a local church and i loved it! I made minium wage and i was ok with that because i was impacting these kids lives! Then this job came along with more money working as a one on one! AWesome Job! Those people captured my heart. Suddenly i was so worried about money and having more. It was all that i thought about! It plagued my mind! Just last week, I felt God telling me to call the place i use to work and get a job again over there. Hello God, i don’t want to beg for my job back! I had a huge pride issue! I did it and they gave me my job back! In away, i’m saying God what are you doing? The world says you have to make this amount to be successful in this world! You have called me home from North Greenville University. Now you calling me away from this job where i was making more than that the daycare! I don’t understand and tonight God spoke straight to my heart. “Ashley that job has been your idol, you have pride in your heart, i need to cleanse you so that i am that only one you are Worshipping! Ok God…have your way! My heart is open to you God, forgive me for the pride i had, forgiving me God for worshipping that instead of you! I love you God. Mold me to look like your son! thats who i want this world to see when they look at me!
God really wanted me to grasp this because holly taught on but also my twitter friend Michael Newsome blogged on this! So ok God i got it! Idols…no more!

Unbound- FREEDOM

so this week holly had us define what freedom meant to us. I really started thinking about the word and also my struggle of self-image and i just couldn’t define it. So i was praying so hard and God told me to read Isaiah 42. So i read it and there it was my definition of freedom. Because i struggle with Self Image i can’t see myself clearly…as a MASTERPIECE. I can’t see other things clearly either! I am BLINDED. Isaiah 42:7 says

Isaiah 42:7 (New American Standard Bible)
    ⁷To open blind eyes,
         To bring out prisoners from the dungeon
         And those who dwell in darkness from the prison.

 

That is it! Freedom to me is To open my blind eyes and let me see myself and this world as HE DOES!!! WOW!!!

In Stephanie Smiths book She talks about her track beauty and asks  “will i believe God when He says that He created me in love, that he made me beautiful and wonderful and just as i should be?”   WOW!!! No i don’t belive that. At all. I believe that i am fat disgusting person and everything thing i eat i think of how it is going to make me fat and see what the world says is beautiful and i just want to cry because i know thats not me. I won’t be a model ever!  But i am a MasterPiece! I am still struggling to belive that but i am tryin to hear God’s voice instead of letting Satan whisper in my ear!!!  God you see me, GOd you love for me to sing to you and to praise you!!! God i love you and Help me to see this masterpiece you have created!

ephiphany

Ok so here has been my life this past week!
Have you ever dreamed soo much that you are restless while you sleep? The dreams are soo real that you are actually doing the movements like running or whatever. SO this past week i have had these dreams of my wedding and marriage but last night was the icing. My dreams had continually built up this moment of walking down the aisle and this perfect life i would have…then last night right as i was about to walk down the aisle FEAR hit…I ran. I couldn’t stop running. I paused long enough to look back and see everyone crying over the fact that i ran. Tonight i watched Fireproof!!! WOW! And its in that movie that it hit me. I can’t love i run from love because i don’t know what it is? To me love is this heinous,mean,cruel,abusive monster something that lures you in and then kills your spirit,hope,and dreams. I could never see at as people described it to me as something sooo beautiful and trusting and worth it! I love Jesus because i am a Christian. I am a Christian because HE loved me. He died to love me. DIED! He didn’t tellme hurtful things to love me, hit me, call my fat and stupid…HE DIED!!! DO you understand what i am saying?…. DIED!! I see it now and TRULY SEE IT! I was going to bed tonight and like always i told my mom i loved her but instead of saying it out of habit tears welled up in my eyes and i meant it! Past everything that has happened i loved her! My life has changed!

Furious Pursuit!

Pursue! Pursue?

What are we taught in todays society as girls and women…if we want something we have to pursue it ourselves. A job we want and a car…and all that is well and fine but what about a guy? You see a cute guy standing in the store, you tell your friend wow Hes cute and what does she say?…Go and talk to him what have you got to lose? But really you are costing everything…Men are meant to be the hunters and pursuers of things. that is how God designed them.  We miss out on being wooed and chased. Girls, we are not meant to called the guy and ask the guy out, we are meant to sit back and have this guy do everything he can to win our hearts. Its a princesss looking for her prince. She doesn’t leave her throne to go and find him instead she sits there and they come to her bringing her things and when he walks in she knows!!!! Ladies we are meant to be pursued.  THe pursuit only happens when we know exactly who we are in Christ! Beth moore said “the chains being to break when we are willing to believe we are who God says we are.” Wow! there is no guessing God tells us who we are all we have to do is believe Him and it is done!!! like in the movie twilight bella is pursued by edward, he can’t resist her, he has to protect her.

Prince Charming….Prince Realness

WHo has had the dream of the perfect man?  Who has watched a romantic movie longing to be the girl swept off her feet by the perfect man? I have!! I want this perfect unrealistic point of love. My parents never really showed me how a man and woman who are married should act together. In fact they both never really showed that much affection towards each other. Never really showed physical affection and validation towards me. Leaving me wanting that validation but it had to be nothing less of perfection. I wanted Prince Charming.

CHARMING! whats that mean

Charming

Charm”ing\, a. Pleasing the mind or senses in a high degree; delighting; fascinating; attractive.

Is charm all you can build a relationship off of?…No…the Bible says “ 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
      but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”  Proverbs 31:30…Charm is deceptive?

What does deceptive mean?…Deceptive- causing one to believe what is not true or fail to believe what is true

I have failed to believe that perfection doesn’t exist in human beings…Only God is perfection…I have failed to see that these movies are decieving me. So from now on…i don’t want prince Charming…I  want Prince Realness

Daddy, Daddy,Why did you break your promises to me?

A little girl screams in the middle of the night because she is having a nightmare, Her Daddy comes running in there….picks her up in his big strong arms…and holds her tight. Comforting her the way only her daddy can. Wish that was my story.

I burnt my finger on my straightener the other day, so i run to my daddy with expectations of healing and comfort. Is that what i get?…No i hear yelling about how irresponsible i am and huffs and puffs about him having to help me. Then it hit me…Thats how i view God. I feel like when i come to God because i am hurting and my heart is soo broken, I just think he is going to scream and yell at me…asking why did you do that?….

Is that how God is?

Girls see God and think he is the same way as their earthly father. If you have had this amazing relationship with your father, then  you view God like that…but if your dad drinks and yells and as no comforting words for you, that is how you view God. I was balling my eyes out yesterday because my daddy was yelling at me telling me how stupid i was and all this stuff. Immediately i pictured God doing that to me over a certain situation. but thats not how God is. I can come to him and say Daddy, i am hurting, My heart aches daddy….DADDY DADDY!!! HE comes running and picks me up in his arms, and holds me until i am at peace. Have you ever just said to God, “Daddy just hold me” ,Hold me daddy.  The second you ask him to hold you…Man God comes running. I know this because he held me last night, as i just balled my eyes out, he wiped away my tears. WOW

Psalm 38

A David Psalm

 1-2 Take a deep breath, God; calm down— don’t be so hasty with your punishing rod.
   Your sharp-pointed arrows of rebuke draw blood;
      my backside smarts from your caning.

 3-4 I’ve lost twenty pounds in two months
      because of your accusation.
   My bones are brittle as dry sticks
      because of my sin.
   I’m swamped by my bad behavior,
      collapsed under gunnysacks of guilt.

 5-8 The cuts in my flesh stink and grow maggots
      because I’ve lived so badly.
   And now I’m flat on my face
      feeling sorry for myself morning to night.
   All my insides are on fire,
      my body is a wreck.
   I’m on my last legs; I’ve had it—
      my life is a vomit of groans.

 9-16 Lord, my longings are sitting in plain sight,
      my groans an old story to you.
   My heart’s about to break;
      I’m a burned-out case.
   Cataracts blind me to God and good;
      old friends avoid me like the plague.
   My cousins never visit,
      my neighbors stab me in the back.
   My competitors blacken my name,
      devoutly they pray for my ruin.
   But I’m deaf and mute to it all,
      ears shut, mouth shut.
   I don’t hear a word they say,
      don’t speak a word in response.
   What I do, God, is wait for you,
      wait for my Lord, my God—you will answer!
   I wait and pray so they won’t laugh me off,
      won’t smugly strut off when I stumble.

 17-20 I’m on the edge of losing it—
      the pain in my gut keeps burning.
   I’m ready to tell my story of failure,
      I’m no longer smug in my sin.
   My enemies are alive and in action,
      a lynch mob after my neck.
   I give out good and get back evil
      from God-haters who can’t stand a God-lover.

 21-22 Don’t dump me, God;
      my God, don’t stand me up.
   Hurry and help me;
      I want some wide-open space in my life!

Mind of an eating disorder

I’m still hungry…but if i get another helping people will call me fat. I get home from church and i am starving but if i eat this late at night i will gain even more weight so i will just go to bed hungry. I wake up the next morning and have no time to eat breakfast…my stomach is aching so bad. Lunch time comes and i feel like i am going to throw up so i skip that meal. By now thats 3 meals under my belt! Yes! i can do this!!

Looking at magazine i see this girls with “perfect” bodies. The titles read so and so showing off her amazing body and all you see is skin and bones. But that is what is “BEAUTIFUL” i have to have that body. So i devise a plan in my head of how to not eat and what to say when people questioned. It becomes an obsession. But what if it kills me? Truthfully it does kill me…inside in my soul. I can’t see myself through Christ eyes. Instead i see fat rolls,stretch marks, double chins, muffin top and everything else. Instead of feeling beautiful, i feel unwanted, unworthy of love or attention, i feel my jeans pressing on my stomach and my stomach hanging over. So in front of people i figit with my clothes, i wear spandex under my clothes to suck in my stomach. Sit with my arms crossed to hide my rolls. But over time i start losing weight so the compliments that roll in are worth pain and the tears put into it. What happens if i die? Does it take people looking over my casket to say wow she was so beautiful and amazing? Instead what do i hear, Ashley we are on a diet, why are you eating that, ashley that is fattening, do you want a salad, you want just half a sub, I guess we need to get you so more pants your out growing yours. Wow you are getting big, weight watchers work, your too big to walk around, wow you have really spread out since being home. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT IT DOES TO A GIRL TO HEAR THOSE THINGS?… DO you know how much it tears her up? ARE YOU THERE WHEN SHE stand in front of the mirror with just her underwear on examing every part of her body and hating EVERYTHING? Are you there when the tears stream down her face because she wants so badly to feel beautiful and to truly know that she it? ARE YOU THERE FOR HER? DO YOU UNDERSTAND HER PAIN?  IT WILL TAKE OVER YOUR EVERY THOUGHT!  SO here is where i am, STILL STRUGGLING!